The only way to lead a happy, respectable life is to attend a four-year university, said pretty much everyone who matters.

It's important that 18-year-olds spend the first chunk of their young adulthood attempting to cultivate some sense of self or purpose. It's the best way for them to avoid any real, adult responsibilities while learning to jump through hoops, the nation's top pedagogy experts said at a conference in Washington Monday.

"Everything about the college experience - from late nights tweaking out in the library to finish some research paper on Margaret Thatcher's influence on modern pastry-making in the British colonies, to regretful sexual encounters in the handicapped bathroom of your friend's dorm - is designed to give students a greater sense of purpose and to give them the necessary tools to succeed in today's world," said Francis P. Funklebutt, an Appalachian State University professor.

The college experience is one all alumni can look back on as a priceless series of life-enriching events that not only represents the climax of human life, but comes at a surprisingly minimal cost as well.

"The money was so worth it," recent graduate Stacy Humperdink said. "I'm glad my parents and the taxpayers' money could help me flounder around for two years before changing my major to sociology."

College is a great idea for anyone who doesn't plan to die directly after high school - especially if social acceptance is what they're aiming at.

"I was this close to not going to college because I've always wanted to be a ship captain," sophomore communication major Jared Beaglesworth said. "Then my high school guidance counselor told me I wouldn't be worth anything to anyone if I didn't have a piece of paper to hang in my office."

Economics Professor Nancy Fontanancy took it one step further. She notified the dean of her department Thursday that she'll be leaving at the end of the semester to pursue another piece of paper - this time, a bachelor's degree in finance.

"I can't imagine doing anything else that would bring me more fulfillment," Fontanancy said. "Now I can look down on people with only one degree."

Rebecca Gitlen, a junior journalism major from Atlantic Beach, writes satirical columns about college life.